Once upon a time on a dude ranch far away, the big boss man, tired of all the fussing and chest beating between the sexes, made the wranglers and cabin girls switch roles for a day. We girls wrangled the horses while the cowboys stayed at the lodge to do the dishes, serve the meals and make the beds. Of course we did everything perfectly—even if I did tie the wrong knot and let one horse out for a little joyride—only to come down the mountain and find that all of the beds had been made—twice. The wranglers had put new sheets on right over the old ones. Still, we had to grudgingly admit that the western Freaky Friday was a valuable lesson. We saw how the other half lived and began to appreciate them more for it.
Which is
what has been happening around my house lately, if in a more long term, less
organized way. While I’ve been working longer hours, my husband’s been picking
up more of the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and childcare. A few weeks ago, after getting home from a
particularly long day I found myself standing in the midst of a pile of half
crocked art projects, found objects from the river and science experiments gone
wrong. I tried not to hyperventilate. “Why isn’t my dinner on the table? Why is
this house such a mess? What have you been DOING all day?” And then it hit me
as I flashed on all of the stereotypical scenarios of the working dad berating the
stay-at-home-mom. My God, I thought. It’s happened to me. I’ve become a female
chauvinist pig!
Though I’ve always considered
myself a progressive, modern woman—a feminist--
I’ve recently started to examine what’s really brewing beneath the surface of
the buzz words I’ve dressed myself in. And what I’ve uncovered is at least as
much cave woman as modern woman. “Me, Jane! Me want big man to kill buffalo,
pay mortgage AND take care of kid!” Beneath my “let’s not stereotype according
to our gender roles” façade, I secretly think my husband should be responsible
for the lion’s share of the finances, all of the manual labor, a lot of the
household chores and half of the childcare. In other words, not only do I want
to have my cake and eat it too, I want to eat it with two scoops of honey
vanilla ice cream, hot fudge and wet walnuts. Who doesn’t?
I love the
tri-fold sense of empowerment, freedom and creativity I get from my work, but deep
down part of me feels I should do it only because I want to—sort of for fun--
not because I have to. I should also get lots of room for me-time,
self-exploration and mini vacations—while he pays the mortgage, does the dishes
and checks over the homework. When and if I do choose to work, I should come
home to a hot meal, a sparkling house and a foot massage. Not that I provided
any of that for him when he worked all day. Oh, no. That’s when I pulled the
feminism card. But thankfully, my husband is a feminist, too. He’d be just as happy
to give me all of the responsibilities I’d like to give him. Which is why, in a
sometimes civilized, sometimes barbaric way, we’re doing our best to work it
out—so that we can both have it all—or at least a little tiny bit of each part
of most of it. Without score sheets or time cards, we’re dividing up the work
it takes to run a marriage, house and family in as egalitarian a way as
possible.
To get a sense of the division of
labor, at least in the childcare department, I recently asked an impartial
judge for his opinion. Well,” said our son, “it’s 50-50. Actually, it’s 51-49.”
I didn’t ask who got the extra 1% because of course, to keep everything in
perfect balance, I still need to believe it’s me.
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