don't read this book----yet!

So I finally have a 100% shi^&* first draft!
A friend I spoke with on the phone this morning was shocked I had accomplished the amazing feat of the terrible first draft- or any draft-- because of the nature & consistency of my complaints. That I'm getting nowhere fast. That writing sucks. That I have no discipline and just can't get it together. That nobody will agree to sit down and write my book for me.
But somehow-sometime- amidst my kvetching and canoodling I have managed to come up with some pages. Here and there. Around 150 to be inexact. They lack a consistent narrative drive, lots of threads go untied and I switch frequently between past and present tense. There are 2 or 3 paragraphs I would love to show anyone but all in all it is truly awful. At least it would be if it were a book. But it's not, it's a draft and for that reason I am THRILLED.
It was heartening last Friday night to hear Travis Holland- who just won the VCU first Novelist Award for his book, "The Archivist's Story"- say that he wrote 4 or 5 drafts before striking gold. And I'll never forget Jeannette Walls saying that she wrote the first draft of "The Glass Castle" in 5 weeks and then spent the next 5 YEARS revising it. I was in complete shock at the time and thought she must be an incredibly slow writer (yeah, somebody who covers celebrities for MSNBC would be a slow writer) and that couldn't possibly ever be the case with me. Now I'd be tickled fuscia to think that 5 years was my timeline and the NY Times bestseller list was my destination. Again and again I have to pull my mind out of the gutter of the publishing industry and the end product and whether or not Oprah will still have a book club by the time I'm 40 and just remember to concentrate on my task at hand. Writing. Another draft. Page by page.

This is what I want to know:

How do so many writers publish such amazing, breathtaking, awesomely beautiful books when I have felt like a writer my entire life but the act of actually sitting down to write makes me want to tear my hair out and consider Harikari?

As a book editor, I am subjected to achingly beautiful, gorgeous writing on an almost daily basis and for someone who has been trying to write the same damn book for 33 years, this is-at times-akin to torture. How come they can do it and I can't??

To make matters worse, the authors I am blessed to read make their writing seem both effortless and inspired. Easy and necessary and sprinkled with profound insight. Like God spake and they merely pulled out the little pencil behind their ear and took dictation. God may be speaking to me but the wires are crossed, the connection is fuzzy, the phone is ringing and the dishes, the peanut butter cookies, my son and my husband are calling to me on a much louder frequency.

OK, enough complaining. OK, maybe not quite enough. Here's a little more. I actually have time to write these days but I'm using that time to worry about health insurance, paying the bills, cleaning the house, going to the gym, taking care of my mental health and updating my BLOG. Oh, and reading all of those books that are so very good, they make me want to cry.